After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
