just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
