Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
