when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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