i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
