i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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