I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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