i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
