I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
