I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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