He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
