There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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