My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
