after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
