Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
