Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
