From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
