HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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