you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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