I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
