My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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