So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
