i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
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