You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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