Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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