Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
