i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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