if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
