So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
