i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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