I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Randomize
