apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
