rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
