He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
