So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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