Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
