So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
