the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Operation Purity has been aborted
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
