My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
i've created a new STD.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
