I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
