I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
