i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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