I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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