did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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