a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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