I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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