so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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