apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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