she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
