Who wears a wallet chain?!
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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