You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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