My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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