just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
